


no other half there

by Suspicious_Protagonist



Series: it's an effed up world [2]
Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Angst, But he doesn't know it yet, I am so sorry, M/M, Mutual Pining, Panic Attacks, Pining, Post-Squip, is it jeremy's fears doubts and insecurities manifested as the squip?, is it the squip?, you may never know
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-21
Updated: 2017-06-21
Packaged: 2018-11-16 21:53:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11261745
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Suspicious_Protagonist/pseuds/Suspicious_Protagonist
Summary: “He could’ve talked to me. I would’ve made time if he’d asked. I would’ve been there!” Jeremy shouted into the empty room, the words tearing up his throat.'Don’t you get it Jeremy? He tried to talk to you.And you weren't there.'





	no other half there

**Author's Note:**

> this is the events after 'was i really your favorite person?' and it's from jeremy's POV

Jeremy was pacing back and forth in Christine’s living room, one hand clutching his phone and the other going through his hair every five seconds. Millions of thoughts seemed to race through his mind and every train of thought lead back to the same thing.

_Why hadn’t Rich responded?_

It had been nearly an hour without a word. Jeremy was a few minutes away from sprinting out the door and checking on Michael himself. It wasn’t like him to randomly call, and it definitely wasn’t like him to ignore a call. Especially from Jeremy. And why hadn’t Rich called, or at least texted? He didn’t live that far so it’s not like he hadn’t gotten there yet. A knot had formed in Jeremy’s stomach and it twisted, making him feel sick. He stopped pacing for a second and stared at his phone.

“I’m going over there. It’s been like an hour and I’m going over there and making sure he’s okay.” Jeremy was almost to the door by the end of his sentence, and Christine threw herself of the couch to run after him. Jeremy ignored her exclamations to wait up and had the door open when he heard it.

His phone rang in his hand and he froze in the doorway, Christine skidding to a stop right behind him. He unlocked his phone and looked at the message, the knot seeming to crawl up his throat.

_it’s all good. nothing to worry about so calm down tall ass_

“Well?” Christine asked, ready to move if Jeremy tried to run out the door again. “He’s fine, I guess? But that still doesn’t explain why he wouldn’t pick up or the message he left or-” Jeremy started to ramble and tapped his fingers against his phone, stumbling over his words the more he talked. Christine placed a hand over his and he stopped, face flushing in embarrassment.

“Why don’t you ask him at school on Monday? That way you two can talk face to face instead of over the phone.” Christine proposed this and moved behind Jeremy, closing the door softly. Jeremy nodded slightly and offered a small smile.

“Yeah. Yeah that’ll work,” Jeremy said, trying to sell himself on that plan.

“Great. Now let’s go make some dinner then I’ll drive you home. Thanks again for hanging out with me today.” Christine began to ramble a little bit, but no matter how hard he tried to pay attention, his mind kept wandering back to Michael.

 

 

Jeremy stood by his locker, tapping his fingers against his leg. The bell was gonna ring in a few minutes and there still hadn’t been any sign of Michael at the school yet. Jeremy’s train of thought started to wander, and he worried something was wrong and Rich just hadn’t told him, why would Rich do that, that’s a dick move Rich-

A laugh broke Jeremy out of his spiraling thoughts. He knew that laugh, knew it better than anything else in the world.

 _Michael_. Jeremy looked around, trying to ignore his heart which seemed to be trying to jump out of his chest. Jeremy moved towards the sound, a smile creeping onto his face. God he missed hearing that laugh-

Another laugh sounded but it wasn’t Michael. Jeremy found the source and he paused in his steps, his brain frozen a few steps behind him. Michael was leaning against the lockers with a goofy smile on his face, backpack slung across one shoulder and his hair slightly messed up as always. And he was standing next to _Rich_.

Michael was laughing with Rich. And smiling. Jeremy stood in the middle of the hall while people moved around him for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually he tore his eyes away and hurried to his first period class, the knot in his stomach bigger than before and his heart feeling like a rock in his chest.

 

 

Jeremy sat in the library at lunch, head bent over a math textbook and eyes closed. He didn’t know anyone was behind him until a hand tapped at his shoulder.

“Jeremy?” Christine’s voice was soft but Jeremy nearly jumped out of his chair, barely stopping himself from yelling. She had a concerned look as she sat next to Jeremy. “Why are you in here?”

“Studying. Got a math test later today,” Jeremy lied, keeping his eyes on the textbook. Christine was silent for a moment before sighing.

“Jeremy we have the same math class. There is no test.”

“Oh. Right. Yeah.” Jeremy felt his face light up and he lowered his head onto the table. Christine just sighed and laid her head on the table, turning to face him.

“What’s going on Jeremy?” Christine asked, nudging Jeremy’s arm slightly.

Jeremy muttered out a response, the words quiet and muffled. Christine leaned closer and nudged him again. Jeremy lifted his face out of the book and spoke again.

“Michael’s hanging out with Rich,” he said and let his face fall back into the book. He could almost feel the confused look on Christine’s face.

“So? You sent Rich over there, and he was probably there for a while. Maybe they got to talking. It’s nice that they’re getting to be friends,” Christine said, her voice taking on a matter-of-fact tone. Jeremy muttered an agreement, but it was an empty sound. His chest felt tight and he wasn’t entirely sure why.

 

_“Hey, I saw on Discovery that humanity has stopped evolving!” Jeremy turned to look at his friend in confusion, not sure why he was so excited over it. But as Michael continued to talk, Jeremy found himself growing excited too. He wasn’t exactly paying attention to what he was saying, but Michael’s eyes were bright and his hair bounced whenever he moved slightly and Jeremy’s heart felt light and he looked away, trying to will away the blush on his face._

 

The bell rang and Jeremy jumped out of his chair, startling Christine from her spot next to him. His face flushed and he looked at the ground. “We should get to class,” he muttered, leaving the library before Christine had said anything.

 

 

A few days had passed and Jeremy still hadn’t talked to Michael, despite Christine’s pestering. The last class of the day was almost over, and Jeremy was anxious to get out of there. He knew Michael didn’t usually make plans on the week and he was determined to talk with him. He just had to make sure he found Michael before he left.

The bell rang and broke Jeremy out of his thoughts, and he was out the door before anyone else had stood up. He knew Michael’s last class was close to the back of the school, right next to one of the parking lots. Jeremy threw his stuff in his locker and slammed it closed, barely registering the sound of something falling. He weaved through the crowds of students, heart seeming to get heavier the closer he got the the doors.

He lunged through the doors, earning a look from one of the few students that was out there. He tried to ignore them and walked on to where he knew Michael parked every day.

 

_Michael had met Jeremy by their lockers, smiling when he saw Jeremy walking his way. “Hey! You ready to fight some zombies?” Michael asked, moving out of Jeremy’s way. Jeremy froze in front of his locker. Shit. He had promised Christine that he would go over and help her run lines for the next play._

_“Jere?” Michael’s voice seemed hesitant, and when Jeremy looked at him he felt so guilty._

_“I’m so sorry. Christine asked me to help her go over her lines and I said yes. I mean, I could cancel-” Jeremy started to stammer, looking over Michael’s shoulder and avoiding eye contact._

_“No, it’s cool. We’ll just hang out another time, I guess.” Michael’s voice had a carefree tone. Jeremy looked up and saw a smile on his face, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes. Jeremy smiled, thanked Michael for understanding, and started to walk away. Guilt plagued his mind no matter how hard he tried to ignore it._

 

Jeremy looked up from his daydreaming and saw the red PT Cruiser that Michael always drove. Something was off.

Michael was already in his car, but someone else was leaning in the window and talking to him. Rich. Jeremy stopped walking and looked on, a few cars down from the other two boys.

“My place around 8 sound good?” Michael asked, or at least that’s what Jeremy heard. The engine made it hard to hear from where he was standing.

“It’s a date. I’ll see you then,” Rich said, a smile on his face as he took a few steps back.

“I’m gonna kick your ass at Mario Kart,” Michael yelled when he started to pull away. Rich just laughed and started to walk to his own car. Michael drove away and Jeremy walked in the other directions towards the buses, trying to ignore the sick feeling in his stomach as the word _date_ ran through his mind.

 

 

Jeremy stared up at the ceiling, his fingers absentmindedly picking at the sheets beneath him. He kept trying to think of nothing, or anything, but all of his thoughts went to one place: Michael.

Jeremy couldn’t seem to get the boy out of his head. His smile, the way his eyes lit up when he talked about something he liked, his hair and how it always seemed to be ruffled by the wind, his laugh, his cool demeanor that nearly hid is constant worrying. Jeremy groaned and rolled over on his bed, shoving his face into a pillow. Just thinking of all those things made his heart feel weird.

Another person crept into his head and began to fill his thoughts. _Rich_. How he was always around Michael, nearly hanging off of him at times. How he kept making Michael laugh. How he was who Michael was smiling at. How he was Michael’s player two now. Jealousy turned in Jeremy’s stomach and-

Jealousy. Jeremy was _jealous_ of Rich. Rich, who had stolen his best friend. Rich, who Michael laughed with, joked with, gamed with. Rich, who seemed closer to Michael than Jeremy ever had been.

The word _date_ rang in Jeremy’s mind again, joining _jealous_. The two words seemed to be a mantra in his head. Why would Jeremy be jealous if they were dating? It’s not like he wanted to date Michael. Michael was allowed to date whoever he wanted. He hoped the two would be very happy together, going on dates and kissing and doing other couple shit and _man did Jeremy want that with Michael_ -

Jeremy threw himself up into a seated position on his bed and had his phone up to his ear, already ringing.

“What’s up Jeremy?” Christine asked, a hint of confusion in her voice.

“Christine I don’t think I’m as straight as I thought.” The words spilled out of his mouth before he could even think about it.

“You just realized you like Michael?”

“Yeah exac- wait what do you mean realized?” Jeremy felt his face flush as he struggled to find another sentence.

“You’ve been so obvious and you didn’t even know it, that’s great.” Christine started to ramble, talking about how much Jeremy seemed to pine after Michael, but Jeremy wasn’t really paying attention.

Was he really that obvious? He thought back on his interactions with Michael but he couldn’t think of anything that even seemed remotely like what Christine was implying. But was that just because it was him? How could he know now if he hadn’t know when he was actually doing it? Christine was still talking, and _Jeremy are you still there?_

What if it was obvious to Michael?

Oh god he was in love with his best friend and Michael probably knew. Jeremy thought back to the past few weeks and how Michael had been talking to him less and less, slowly pulling away. He was losing his best friend over a stupid crush, why did he always mess everything up?

It’s just what you do Jeremy. 

He froze and nearly dropped his phone. Christine was still trying to get his attention but he barely registered it. He opened his mouth to speak and heard the voice again.

That would be inadvisable. Wouldn’t want to confirm Christine’s worries that I’m coming back, now would we? 

Jeremy’s voice shook a little when he finally spoke.

“Christine, I have to go.” Christine broke off mid-sentence.

“Oh, alright. Talk to you lat-” Jeremy hung up the phone and let it drop from his hands.

“You shouldn’t be here,” Jeremy whispered out loud, eyes glancing around the room.

I told you, you can’t get rid of me that easily. 

He felt himself start to shake, tremors taking over his body.

God you’re pathetic. It’s no wonder that Michael left you. 

“Shut up. He didn’t leave me,” Jeremy tripped over his words, curling in on himself.

You know, you’re right for once Jeremy. He didn’t leave you.

You left him. 

Jeremy froze where he sat. His heart seemed to stop beating and he couldn’t breathe.

“No.” The word was barely a breath, but Jeremy knew it heard him. It always heard him.

Yes Jeremy. You abandoned him. Again. And I didn’t even have to do anything! It almost sounded happy, the words grating on Jeremy’ ears.

“No, Michael was drawing away. He never tries to talk to me anymore,” He tried to rationalize but it was already talking, refuting Jeremy’s points before he could make them.

Yes, but you were the one cancelling plans. No matter how hard Michael tried, you were always busy with Christine, the voice sung the name, high and mocking. Jeremy shook his head and stood up, trying to will away the voice. But it kept talking.

Can you blame him for giving up? Who wants to keep someone around when they barely look at you? The only reason I’m still here is that I can’t leave.

“Shut up, just shut up,” Jeremy whispered, blinking back the tears in his eyes. He ran a hand through his hair and felt a whisper on his spine.

 

_ Your tics and fidgets are persistent.  _

 

Jeremy put his hands down at his sides and balled them into fists, trying to breathe.

Looks like more than just the one lesson stayed. Jeremy almost felt the smirk in his brain. He wanted to scream.

Go ahead, scream. You pushed the one person that would actually listen to you away so it’s not like there will be anyone to hear you.

“He could’ve talked to me. I would’ve made time if he’d asked. I would’ve been there!” Jeremy shouted into the empty room, the words tearing up his throat.

Don’t you get it Jeremy? He tried to talk to you. 

Jeremy remembered his phone ringing a week ago, how he just ignored it and tried to focus on calming Christine down, _breathe Christine it’s not coming back we got rid of it-_

And you weren’t there. You couldn’t even be bothered to go over yourself. That’s not true Rich was closer, Rich could get there first and find out if he was okay.

And now you’re jealous that he’s hanging out with Rich? At least he’s actually there for the boy, that’s more than you could claim.

Jeremy was on his knees, hands shaking as he reached for his phone. _Michael, call Michael._

What, like he’ll care? You’re pathetic, Jeremy.

“Shut up,” Jeremy sobbed, tapping on Michael’s contact and starting the call.

_He won’t answer._

“He will!” Jeremy was shouting and he struggled to stand on his shaking legs. “He doesn’t ignore his phone.”

That’s what you said last time. 

_I’m sorry but the number you called is not available._ Jeremy’s blood seemed to freeze in his veins as he lowered the phone. His thumb brushed the end call button and he was left in silence for a moment.

I told you. Jeremy looked up and saw the Squip before him, sitting on the edge of his desk. Jeremy could see himself in the reflection behind it.

God you’re a mess. Jeremy wanted to yell at it but it wasn’t wrong. Hot tears sprung to his eyes. That’s it, cry. Everything about you is terrible Jeremy. I don’t know how he ever dealt with you for that long. Or maybe he only felt bad because of how pathetic you are-

Jeremy’s phone left his hand and flew at the Squip, which disappeared in time for Jeremy to see his phone crash into the mirror. He sunk to his knees and was left in the silence, save for the sounds of his own sobs.

**Author's Note:**

> this was so much angsty-er than my first one i am sorry. i'm thinking of writing one or two more fics, one from rich's and christine's perspective and the other from jeremy's and michael's. thoughts?  
> tumblr: suspicious-protagonist


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